Observed Self

Sometimes I imagine seeing myself from the corner of my room, right behind the door. I try to visualize what I would see, sitting at the computer, endlessly clicking mouse buttons.

I try to visualize what my room would look like from there, the carpet, light, shadows from chairs. I try to look at details like my desk lamp or a book by my bed. I look at the power strip I have by my door that helps to illuminate my large fish tank.

Sometimes I even try to listen, thinking about what the sound of tapping would really sound like way over there.

Sometimes I see a sad man slumped in his chair wondering what he can do. Other times he is jovial and happy. Much of the time there is contemplative indifference. But maybe I'm not really seeing from the corner of my room. Maybe I should look over my shoulder and see what the desk looks like or what condition the keyboard is in.

How about the book in the little stand beside me or the various pieces of garbage strewn about going unnoticed? Papers with numbers and notations, scribbled notes and receipts, pens, pencils, and toys slowly collecting dust.

I look into a corner sometimes or at the mirror on my closet door and observe the amount of blank wall I have. I sometimes look up and imagine a skylight looking out to a changing sky.

Then I sigh when I can no longer keep visualizing in my head what things would look like if I stared from different, obscure areas of my room. Places like that corner or through the crack between my closet door and the wall or from a corner where the vaulted ceiling meets the walls.

It's easy at first but quickly becomes a chore as I start to visualize the most minute details like motes of dust simply floating in front of the hot light bulb or the rough spots of my carpet.

The hardest part of the scene is when I imagine movement coinciding with sound or visualizing more than one of me just milling around or cleaning all at the same time.

It's even harder when I put someone else in my place and just watch them lay on my bed as if I was never there.