Rainwater Blues

Sometimes, I feel a special something. I can’t say that it is an emotion or a feeling. I get it only under certain conditions. I don’t know when it comes along or when I start noticing it but when I do notice, I realize that I’m pretty deep in it.

It’s hard to call it sadness, despair bereft, but whatever it is, it is certainly along those lines. I’m not angry or jealous or something of the such. One way I could describe it is the feeling of looking up at your window in the early evening just after the peach has disappeared from the sky turning it into a strange steel grey blue, right before the stars come out and believing with everything you have that it’s the earliest part of the morning, the sky is overcast and you’ve caught the weather just before it begins to rain.

You believe it so much that you feel the chill in your elbows and ankles, smell the water in the air and fight the urge to go outside and feel how warm the air is before a hush drowns the world.

Only to remember or see or just regain your bearings and know that it isn’t going to rain and the sun isn’t rising and to remember that there hasn’t been a cloud in the sky for weeks.

And then you don’t move because you want to believe it all again, believe with that might you can never muster when you need it that just might make it rain, that it really is six o’clock in the morning and that the world will take on a slightly different look when you go outside.

But, you can’t believe the way you believed just a few seconds ago. And something about that realization makes you stay still as if to make your looking up at a clear, darkening sky somehow ironic.

But before the irony takes you down, you realize that you still have that wanting, that desperation for the rain, for the colors, for the smell and feeling. That infinitesimal yearning that you may very well make it rain if you just keep staring waiting for some part of the clear sky to waver and become slightly lighter or darker magically changing into clouds laden with water holding on to the droplets right to the bitter end.

You know you don’t believe that is going to happen, but you want it to so badly that it makes you lose so much hope in so little time and only when the first little blue dot is seen you realize nothing is going to change for, at the very soonest, a very long time.

I would think that this is what could be called “under the weather” if it weren’t for being confused for a cold.

When I get this feeling, when it creeps and crashes and falls and rises in a silent drama that plays out subconsciously in your head without consent, I find that I am in desperate need of being touched.

Not in the sense that I need a hug from somebody nor in the way that if I get a handshake it will make everything better. I mean that I need to touch and be touched in a certain way for a certain period of time. And, as far as I know, the amount of time would make many, if not most, uncomfortable especially in the way that I want to touch and the way I want to be touched.

I know I can’t have exactly what I want, not for a very long time. However, I can experiment with objects and things and find something that helps.

And when I do find that help, I don’t get better right away, the feeling doesn’t just fade out. Instead I decidedly go into my universe and run and jump into the pool to drop as fast as I can while holding onto whatever object I may have and see how it does in the water.

When I get that strange… weather feeling, I know the next thing I do is dive as fast as I can, go as deep as I can go with as much speed as possible as a little ball before relaxing deep in the pool with my eyes closed knowing what color the light is.

I keep my eyes closed and just hold on to whatever it is that I hope will give me what I need or something like it so I can feel better, so that the weather feeling stays deep in the pool.

I don’t know why, entirely, I want to put something I don’t know the bounds of to something I never know when I will get out of when I get in. Maybe it’s some sort of compliment. I know when I get into the pool but forget it’s there after long enough but I don’t know when I get the weather feeling but I know when I have been in it.